Where do you want to live, my love?

February 28, 2007 at 7:26 pm · Filed under Journal

So, I’ve picked out some places I might be interested in living at once I turn 18. I’m seriously considering moving out, so I need to start saving money and getting more hours at work. So, I started looking at some places.

http://www.rent.com/rentals/virginia/richmond-and-vicinity/richmond/museum-district/461932/1/?sp=1

http://www.rent.com/rentals/virginia/richmond-and-vicinity/richmond/forest-hill/449292/1/?sp=1

http://www.rent.com/rentals/virginia/richmond-and-vicinity/richmond/westover-hills/446346/1/?sp=1

http://www.rent.com/rentals/virginia/richmond-and-vicinity/richmond/historic-downtown/451220/1/?sp=1

http://www.rent.com/rentals/virginia/richmond-and-vicinity/richmond/historic-downtown/433607/1/?sp=1

I’m still in need of a car though, so I’m not quite sure how this is going to work. I really should have come up with thist plan this time last year, I think.

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In Love with a Life Littered with Insanity

February 28, 2007 at 10:08 am · Filed under Journal

So yeah, minor update of sorts.

I’m still with the most beautiful woman on the face of the planet, Laura Dianne Nicole Janke. We are going to prom together, hehe. She invited me but I think I’m pretty much planning everything, lol. She’s so clueless about what I’m planning too, it’s adorable. All she knows is that I’ve made dinner reservations for somewhere at 6. Now our dresses are going to be surprises too, lol. We decided that instead of going together to get the dresses, we will just surprise each other prom night. ❤ Keep in mind that prom is over two months away… xD

So that’s the love part…. Now for the insanity. I’m crazy, no doubt about it. I don’t really go to school much anymore, being there makes me want to cry and scream and throw up. It’s so stressful. Not the subjects, I’m actually doing pretty well this year. The people. They are everywhere, like ants. They bump into you, they walk too slow, they are loud, they touch you, they stop in front of your to make out. Hardly any of my teachers can control their classes, the students are out of their seats and loud in other people’s personal space and they move WAY too much. It’s enough to kill someone.

Speaking of killing, I felt like killing the people at the mental health place. I didn’t go to school Monday (surprise, surprise) because I tripped Friday and that threw me over the edge. School had broken me, and I didn’t want to be there. So I stayed home all day with my mom. We hung out a lot, we did a bunch of shopping and stuff. While we were out to eat (I believe) I said something along the lines of “If they cancel my appointment today, I should take a gun in there and shoot them all.” That really freaked out my mom, I usually am nice and sweet and don’t say things like that- and mean it. So, time went by and we went to my appointment later that afternoon. Here’s how it went:

“Hi, I’m Melissa Todd here to see Dr. Foreman at 4:00”

“Here to see who?”

“Dr. Foreman.”

“You didn’t get the message…? She’s…..”

My eyes glazed over. I remember spitting the word “What?” through my teeth at her, and that’s about it. All I could do was glare at her and think about reaching through that window and ripping her out of her safe little cubby by her hair to my side, the crazy side. You know, where the patients are when they get pissed that the damn doctors keep cancelling our appointments. I remember interrupting her through her explanation to my mother saying “I only have three days left of my medicine.” She looked at me the entire time with this look of fear on her face that I haven’t seen before. She stuttered through trying to tell me that they could send a refill prescription to my pharmacy and blah blah blah. Something like that. Well, I’m not prescribed yet, I’m on samples. You know, for free? That’s what they give poor people who can’t afford to be sane. I couldn’t talk to her, I started to cry and my mom told me it would be okay. I had to go to the bathroom and blow my nose and stuff. Gather myself. I don’t really remember much else about that night. My mom handled me an appointment paper for Monday. Dr. Foreman frustrates me because I feel like she’s hiding from me because I read the packaging of my medication. The only way she would know is because I told Angela and Angela said she would email her to let her know about it. When I had my first appointment she said that she uses Effexor on teenagers all the time with good results and all this other crap. On the little pamphlet inside it says something like “Not for use with adolescents.” So yeah, of course I’m going to be concerned!

Bah, another insanity? I’m quite tired of living in this house. I’m tired of living with roommates. I don’t know if it is just them or roommates in general, I just am tired of them. I want to move to the fan so bad, the energy there is great. The energy here? Dead, overused, and stagnant.

Oh, not to mention our little friend the ghost that has problems keeping it’s hands to itself! It tried to kill my mom the other day. She was sitting at her computer chair with a towel wrapped around her head and it pushed her out of her chair and into her dresser. She had the HUGEST lump on her head from hitting it on the corner of the dresser. I think that if she didn’t have the towel on her head, she could have died. The ghost evidently also likes to watch people shower. My mom’s friend Lisa came over the other day to take a shower because her hot water is turned off. She says she felt a cold gust of air like someone opening the door and then shutting it. Then someone pulled back the curtain and tickled her on her side. She was washing her hair so she had bubbles in her eyes, so she thought it was my mom. She said something like “Teresa, stop it, you aren’t scaring me.” When she rinsed her eyes and looked, there was no one there. Freaky, right? Also, it, loves to watch tv in our roommate Annie’s room when she’s not home. Her tv will come on, turn to black and white “Leave it to Beaver”, and the volume will go up or down. If you turn the tv off, it comes right back on. The tv turns off when something else comes on. My mom was sitting in there talking to Annie and the volume went up really really high and then went back down. The DVD player also opens and closes when the ghost wants attention. It’s incredibly annoying.

My mom is trying to make this house a happier place by doing yard work and stuff, but I feel like it is pointless. I even bought paint for my room but now I’d rather put it in another room in another place. Preferably an apartment in the fan. I told my mom something about the yard work inevitably being a failure and she looked at me like she was going to cry. I’ve been helping her with it because she is excited about it, but I don’t think it will make anything any better. Our yard is gross and dead and it floods when it rains and there are poison toadstools everywhere. Not to mention how many slugs we get in the springtime. I’m thinking about getting an apartment in the fan when I turn 18 if we don’t move soon. But then again, I’m obviously thinking about a lot of things, ne?

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Reflection

February 9, 2007 at 12:01 am · Filed under Journal

So, my roommate Kay and I are really close friends, I am/was going to be her Maid of Honor in her wedding to our other roommate, Vince. She’s going through such a hard time with him right now, he’s considering leaving her and she is considering the same. But it is so hard for her to stand up on her feet. I watched her for about two hours, maybe less, just deterioate in front of me on the couch. No tears, just crazy little mannerisms- mannerisms that I know all to well. I felt the same way, deliriously maniacal, gleefully hateful, when I wrote that blog about my ex boyfriend.

So I went back and read it, half afraid of the feelings that it would stir up. It was great to be able to read it and see how far I’ve come. I’m so much happier now. That blog post was my breaking point- he was the reason that I started seeing Angela. Then they post-poned my appointment, and I read her journal, and I broke.

All I could do after reading that and having all the little things fall into place as the key that would open my mind’s Pandora’s box was lay in bed and cry. I cried for hours, screaming into my pillow, scratching at my skin, reading the words over and over again. It got to the point where all I could do was lay and shake and cry. Almost like a seizure.

I feel like I am a lot healthier than I was then. I know I am happier. My life doesn’t revolve around any one person, and I’m not sure that anyone my age is mature enough to go into a relationship like the one we shared. Heck, maybe I’m not mature enough either. All I know is that I am proud of myself for seeing as far as I have come, and I hope that Kay will eventually feel the pride and comfort that I feel now. You never know what you are capable of until you have absolutely nothing to work from.

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My Sweet Valentine

February 7, 2007 at 11:17 am · Filed under Journal

I am the luckiest woman in the universe. My sweet valentine, my beautiful rainbow girl, she’s all mine. The beautiful Laura, with her loving eyes and gentle smile, is mine to hold in my arms. I’m so happy. I can’t wait to hug her and hold her, to brush her hair out of her angelic face. She’s so perfect, and I felt like she was untouchable. This holy, divine being, like a wonderful dream that you can’t wake up from. She’s like an angel among peasants, a Goddess among criminals. Everything about her makes my heart skip. Her soft, golden hair, her deep, intuitive eyes, her gorgeous smile, her perfectly smooth and kissable neck, her great figure, her long legs, curvy hips. I love just basking in her presence, I feel so honored to even know her. But to think that she is mine? To think that she loves me in return? It’s indescribable. I love this girl SO much. My beautiful rainbow girl, my sweet Valentine. The divine Goddess, Laura. ♥

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*sigh*

February 6, 2007 at 11:11 pm · Filed under Journal

Okay, sooo…. >.>

Love’s a complicated thing, ne? I’ve had a crush on my friend Laura for a while now, a few months at least. I think I had a crush on her at my birthday party, so it’s been a while. In the past three weeks we’ve become really great, close friends. She’s my BEST friend.

She asked me if I see us having a more than friend relationship in the future. So I spilled the beans, lol. I told her how I feel and how I’ve been feeling, how much I love her. Gods, I love her so much it’s ridiculous. I’ve never loved a girl this much before, and we aren’t even dating. She just is preoccupied with her ex. Extremely preoccupied… So I hadn’t said anything, because I know that nothing could come from it because she still wants to be with this girl.

I had spent the night over her house on Saturday, and it was kinda akward, but not really. She puts me at ease, it was just myself that made it akward. I just wanted to hold her while we fell asleep, and kiss her when we both opened our eyes at practically the same moment the next morning. She was so beautiful, looking into my eyes with a soft smile on her face. Her dad gave us both a ride to work that day, and she had ridden in the back seat. While she was getting ready to get out, she stroked my cheek and said goodbye…. My heart stopped. She was all I could think about that night at work.

So then she asks me this question, and I’ve been reciting the answer in my head for weeks. So I tell her. She never responded to the message. She’s supposed to call tonight, but it’s already 10… I’m worried that I upset her with my answer.

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