Life is Good :)

September 23, 2007 at 10:02 pm · Filed under Journal

So life, even for the few rocks it is throwing at me, is pretty amazing right now! I’m still with the most beautiful woman in the world, still movin out (just further post-poned to January), and new things are happening as well. I’ve lost 10 pounds since I made my resolution in July, which even if the timeline was a bit expanded is still a great achievement. I got everything straightened out with J. Sarg and I go back to school October 15th. I’m signed up for my Driver’s Ed class, which I’ll be taking with Laura. My boss is looking to make me a keyholder once I turn 18, which means I’ll be able to open the safe, count the money, and do all sorts of manager-type stuff. My step-brother’s real mom is letting us see him, and even come to his birthday party! I got two new books. The holidays are coming up, which, while they bring enormous stresses I feel like they will be wonderful this year knowing that I can celebrate with Laura. Speaking of holidays, I just went to Pagan Pride Day on Mabon this past Saturday. My birthday is coming up, the big 1-8, and Laura and her friends are planning a surprise for me. >.< I made two friends at Pagan Pride Day. 🙂

All-in-all, life just is AWESOME right now. And I’m really proud of myself because even though Fate or whomever else it could be is trying to trip me up by throwing problems at me, I’m taking it all in stride. Nothing is life-alteringly bad because I’m not letting it be. I’m able to look at things and say “That’s no big deal.” Like this moving-out late thing. We were planning on November but we know we just won’t make it. So we are planning for after the holidays. ❤ Sometime in January.

Life couldn’t be better. ❤

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Worry

June 19, 2007 at 9:50 am · Filed under Journal

So, lately I am worried about my eating disorder coming back. Can they come back? I don’t know, I hope not!

Everytime I look at food I feel very pukey. I just fixed myself two eggs, TWO, the reccommended amount and thought “Wow, that’s a lot of food.” When we go out to eat I can barely eat anything.Yesterday at Golden Corral was the most I’ve eaten out in a long time. I was hungry, so I was able to rush through the first plate and a bowl of soup and fix a second. But really, I only ate about half of the first plate, the bowl of soup, and three bites off the second one. And that’s a lot for me lately.

Friday, I got drunk for the first time. It was awesome. But, I threw up. This was my only bad thought the entire night- throwing up felt good. I miss it. Throwing up was so purifying, like everything bad just came up and out and the night was truly then perfect. Fucking sick, huh?

I’m afraid of it. I don’t want my ED again. I feel like throwing up right now, after stuffing all of that egg into my fat fucking face. Bleh.

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Chalk is fun!

May 23, 2007 at 12:10 am · Filed under Journal

So, Laura and I had some fun today with the chalk in the driveway. x3 Here are the pics! ♥! Read the rest of this entry »

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*scream*

May 22, 2007 at 11:24 am · Filed under Journal

My brain feels so heavy! So overloaded, so full. So wanting to break free and be happy. I can’t wait 5 hours to see my freedom. I want it NOW. I want to cry. Everything is fine, I’m in Spanish and it’s actually peaceful. No one is yelling except me, on the inside. I feel like I am losing my mind. It’s like I can feel the weight pushing down in my throat, choking me up and making me something I’m not.

I got caught trying to leave school early. I lied to the guy, said I’d thrown away my slip. He questioned my integrity. I hate what I’ve suddenly become, over one night I am this monster. I want to see my Laura so bad. She’s my taste of heaven, my reason for purity. She keeps me sane and knows the right things to say.

I keep looking down at these tiny scratches on my arms, wishing they weren’t so small. Thinking about making bigger ones, deeper ones. Ones that bleed more than a few drops. Ones that would cause a pretty ruby river thats glides down my arm. Driplets of sin leaving the body, my body. My body that Laura finds so nice. Without the cuts.

I keep getting lost in them. I glance at them and next thing I know my face is inches from them and my fingers are tracing them. I’m looking deeply into them, seeing something else there. Then I realize what I’m doing and look up to see if anyone else has. They haven’t. It doesn’t hurt to poke them, hurts a little the scratch them. But I don’t want that scraping burn. I don’t even feel the pain, blade so sharp my skin’s like butter.

Maybe my subconcious wanted freedom, and my brain said boredom. I really was bored, but it isn’t like me to turn to self-mutilation as a means of entertainment. Sometimes I wish both my brains were one brain, and they could work together to solve the answers.

I was “high” again, like on the phone with Laura, before the history SOL. I think it’s all gone now though. Now I feel empty, all but my overloaded head.

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Those Damn Cuts

May 22, 2007 at 10:11 am · Filed under Journal

Mr Condon noticed my cuts.

He says “What’s that?”

I say “My cat.” I look up at him with uncertain eyes, caught by surprise.

He responds “Oh yeah? I hope so…”

I manage “She’s in heat.” and nod assuringly

“Oh, in heat? Yeah. Maybe you should leave her alone, huh?”

It was unexpected. It was spur of the moment.

I just lied to my favorite teacher in the world.

Maybe I wouldn’t have if he hadn’t confronted me in front of my peers. Maybe I will tell him later about it. Angela didn’t even notice, but Mark J. Condon damn sure did. He’s the only one so far. He really is my highschool hero.

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